.
It's nice to meet you.
So, you think Noah's no good for me, too. That's why you're here, isn't it?
Well, he loves me. He pursued me, not the other way around. He fell for me first. Sure, I broke up with my boyfriend for him but only after he begged. He wanted me like I'd never felt wanted before and he could have anyone he wanted. He was beautiful and he wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. And that should have been my first clue...
Noah's sun-tinted blond hair and big brown eyes weren't all that caught my attention. He was completely opposite that I was. In high school I was the girl who didn't get the text about the weekend party if there would be alcohol there. It wasn't that the kids at school thought I was a nerd...I had tons of friends. I was popular but I was also known as the "good girl." I didn't drink, swear, do drugs, sneak out or have sex...nothing most of my friends were doing. I graduated a virgin and was very proud to tell anyone I was saving myself for my future husband.
Noah, on the other hand, was the antithesis of "good," he was Hell on wheels. He drank, smoked weed, was crude and sometimes had a downright repulsive vocabulary. He slept with tons of girls and on the weekends he usually earned himself a hearty slug to the jaw for something he said or did at a party. But, you see, this is what people told me. With the exception of the first day we met, I never saw that Noah. I saw the Noah that fell so hard for me he would give that lifestyle up to keep me. So, he got me.
I love him. If I think of my life without him I panic. But things have changed. I believe his lies and when I see right through them I talk myself out of the notion that what I suspect is truth. He is powerful and I am under his spell. But my self-esteem is so far gone one day I just couldn't find it anymore and that's when I knew... I am not worth anything more .I let him treat me the way he does because one day he will go back to being the Noah I fell in love with.
My best friend, Jake, who is actually Noah's former roommate, will tell you he's scared for me, for my sanity. He wants to badly to save me but I'm in too deep.
God, I'm in too deep. I'm not sure how much more of my story I can tell you. I usually start trembling when I talk about it. He doesn't hit me but my heart and my emotional state of mind sometimes take a beating. If I could just be the girlfriend he needs...I try so hard, so so hard, but I always seem to come up short. Just not enough.
Please don't feel sorry for me, this is just who we are. Lots of couples have tumultuous relationships, right? I really don't see why Jake insists Noah doesn't respect me. And why does everyone keep bringing up the word "abuse?" That's ridiculous...
Well, you came for my own personal playlist...these are the songs that speak volumes to me. Music is my therapy when I don't have the answers to what cuts me so deeply.
Gracie's Mix:
Oceans by Pearl Jam
Better Together by Jack Johnson
Add It Up by Violent Femmes
Better Man by Pearl Jam
Don't Change by INXS
Inside Out by Eve6
Shook Me by AC/DC
Black by Pearl Jam
The Middle by Johnny Eat World
Oceansize by Jane's Addiction
It's nice to meet you.
So, you think Noah's no good for me, too. That's why you're here, isn't it?
Well, he loves me. He pursued me, not the other way around. He fell for me first. Sure, I broke up with my boyfriend for him but only after he begged. He wanted me like I'd never felt wanted before and he could have anyone he wanted. He was beautiful and he wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. And that should have been my first clue...
Noah's sun-tinted blond hair and big brown eyes weren't all that caught my attention. He was completely opposite that I was. In high school I was the girl who didn't get the text about the weekend party if there would be alcohol there. It wasn't that the kids at school thought I was a nerd...I had tons of friends. I was popular but I was also known as the "good girl." I didn't drink, swear, do drugs, sneak out or have sex...nothing most of my friends were doing. I graduated a virgin and was very proud to tell anyone I was saving myself for my future husband.
Noah, on the other hand, was the antithesis of "good," he was Hell on wheels. He drank, smoked weed, was crude and sometimes had a downright repulsive vocabulary. He slept with tons of girls and on the weekends he usually earned himself a hearty slug to the jaw for something he said or did at a party. But, you see, this is what people told me. With the exception of the first day we met, I never saw that Noah. I saw the Noah that fell so hard for me he would give that lifestyle up to keep me. So, he got me.
I love him. If I think of my life without him I panic. But things have changed. I believe his lies and when I see right through them I talk myself out of the notion that what I suspect is truth. He is powerful and I am under his spell. But my self-esteem is so far gone one day I just couldn't find it anymore and that's when I knew... I am not worth anything more .I let him treat me the way he does because one day he will go back to being the Noah I fell in love with.
My best friend, Jake, who is actually Noah's former roommate, will tell you he's scared for me, for my sanity. He wants to badly to save me but I'm in too deep.
God, I'm in too deep. I'm not sure how much more of my story I can tell you. I usually start trembling when I talk about it. He doesn't hit me but my heart and my emotional state of mind sometimes take a beating. If I could just be the girlfriend he needs...I try so hard, so so hard, but I always seem to come up short. Just not enough.
Please don't feel sorry for me, this is just who we are. Lots of couples have tumultuous relationships, right? I really don't see why Jake insists Noah doesn't respect me. And why does everyone keep bringing up the word "abuse?" That's ridiculous...
Well, you came for my own personal playlist...these are the songs that speak volumes to me. Music is my therapy when I don't have the answers to what cuts me so deeply.
Gracie's Mix:
Oceans by Pearl Jam
Better Together by Jack Johnson
Add It Up by Violent Femmes
Better Man by Pearl Jam
Don't Change by INXS
Inside Out by Eve6
Shook Me by AC/DC
Black by Pearl Jam
The Middle by Johnny Eat World
Oceansize by Jane's Addiction
Great playlist -- Oceansize and Black -- Better Man, Don't Change -- of course, Add it Up... send me that CD NOW Michelle!!!! So excited for your journey! xo
ReplyDeleteLOL!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steph!! I should market some CDs! :)
Wow, yes, a great playlist. I love Pearl Jam. One of the best concerts I've ever been too. :)AC/DC, that brings back memories. Not much of a Jack Johnson fan, but now I have to check out this song to see what brilliance deserves the stage with these other greats.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you, Michelle, I'm a little afraid to read your book. I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend in high school and this touches home a bit.
This is a great post. Gracie sounds like an interesting person, I can't wait to read more about her.
Wow! So you and Gracie share more than a love for good music! Me too. This story was hard to write but think the main message that the way someone treats you doesn't determine your worth! I found it healing to watch Gracie grow - maybe you would feel the same...? Thanks for your comment! I heard Lifehouse on the radio last night and was thinking of your playlist! :) need more Lifehouse on my OWN personal playlist! :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a few relationships I've been in...can't wait to read your book!
ReplyDeleteStill thinking about which song to add...
ReplyDelete