The paragraph that started it all...

**

The strong force of the wave pulled me under.  I gasped for air just before my facedisappeared below the surface. My body rolled over and over, my arms flailed, and my head pounded into the sea bed which felt like a concrete floor. The salty water stung my eyes. I forced myself to keep them open, fearing I would slip into unconsciousness from the blow I took to the head. I knew I had to hold it together long enough for the swell to pull me back up when the wave rolled. But something was pulling me deeper. I fought with all my might, kicking against the thick water swallowing me whole. I used my arms like underwater oars and sliced through the depths trying to reach what I needed most, but I was in too deep.

**

In a little over two weeks my world will change and it all started with the paragraph above. On June 6th my debut romance novel, IN TOO DEEP will be available both in ebook formats as well as paperback. In essence, the quiet ramblings of my heart and soul will be flashed across Kindles and Nooks and iPhones of people I will never know. It's not like I didn't know this was part of the gig...it's just completely surreal!

The italicized paragraph above came to me, pardon the pun, like a flood. Truly!

On a particularly difficult day, when something triggered memories and the residual pain of an abusive relationship I had in college, I climbed onto my bed shaking and drenched with tears. Of course, I self-medicated but not how you might think...music. Music is my cure all and the louder the better. I blasted my favorite album and trusted stand by for the last 20 years - Pearl Jam Ten.

I was particularly entranced with the song DEEP that day and I heard it in a way I hadn't before. I couldn't count the number of times I'd listened to Pearl Jam sing about some people being "in too deep" but until that moment, I'd only sung the words at face value. This time my soul sang with my heart and it was at that moment I realized I was IN TOO DEEP. So, going on sheer inspiration from the chorus...."in too deep, can't touch the bottom," A description began to form in my mind of what it would be like to drown. It was not an intentional thing... it literally just flooded my brain. I ran to the closest piece of paper and started writing.

And the first paragraph of IN TOO DEEP was born. I continued writing it but at the time had no intention of sharing the fictional characters with anyone else.

In 17 days Gracie, Noah and Jake will come to life.

THAT, is completely surreal!

Gracie's take on EMOTIONAL abuse...

**

**

Hi.
Many of you will read my story over the next year and my biggest wish is that it shines a light on emotional abuse so you can see it for what it is. Whether you have lived my situation or not, I want you to "get it."

What I went through with Noah started off beautiful. I was floored that someone as hot and dangerous as Noah would even give me, mousy little innocent me, a second glance. And then he fell in love with me. Unbelievable. I loved the tough guy thing. He wasn't afraid to fight. He made me feel safe. I trusted him with my heart and my body. He had  me under his spell.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Little by little, and in a very stealth manner, Noah convinced me that I was nothing without him. It wasn't in what he said but through what he 'taught' me about how a relationship works. And, unless you have been in my situation, you can not begin to understand how subliminal those messages to my brain were. Abusers aren't stupid, they know exactly what they are doing.

The official definition of emotional abuse is this:

 Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

I have found that the people who assume I was weak and/or enjoyed 'playing the victim' have little to no experience with rock bottom self-esteem and that is AWESOME because it means they don't know the pain and sense of loss I do. I am thrilled for them but I plead with them not to make judgements about something they don't know first hand.

I was so naiive when I met Noah. I had only had one boyfriend before him and we never fought which led me to believe he wasn't passionate about our relationship. The control Noah had over me was disguised as passion. Many of us who consider ourselves strong individuals fall for men like Noah and many times we find ourselves IN TOO DEEP.

Being a victim of emotional abuse does NOT equal weakness but being a survivor DOES equal strength.

So, be careful who you call weak...in the end we proved our strength by surviving.

My hope is that those of you who feel like you are walking in my path will learn from my mistakes and get out before he swallows you whole. You CAN survive but you have to shake yourself free from the thoughts he's put in your head of what you are worth...

BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH THE KIND OF LOVE HE CAN NEVER GIVE YOU!

"Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living."
I want you be a survivor.

Love,
Gracie <3 p="">

 

In Too Deep VERY FIRST review

**


Something I will never EVER forget!

Shh Mom's Reading was the first to leave a GOODREADS review of IN TOO DEEP. My stomach is still entertaining a swarm of butterflies!



Go check out the VERY FIRST REVIEW OF IN TOO DEEP then add it to your "to read" shelf! Can't wait to hear what you think!

:) Peace.

to pearl jam with love - THE BOOK

**

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I am a PEARL JAM nut!

Well, I was approached a couple months ago by a Lori Tone who is creating a book called to pearl jam with love and she was hoping I would submit something for her review since she read that my novel, IN TOO DEEP that's coming out in June, was inspired by Pearl Jam's song DEEP.

I checked with my publisher to make sure I wasn't going against anything in my contract and they said GO FOR IT!

It was a labor of love to try to explain how personal this band is to me. I didn't want it to read like my 12 year old fan letters to Leif Garrett. I wanted with all my heart for Eddie, Stone, Jeff, Matt and Mike to really be moved by my experiences with them and how they brought me to where I am now. I know it sounds cliche but it's the truth. If it weren't for their inspiration I would never have written IN TOO DEEP.

to pearl jam with love is going to be FREAKING AMAZING!

I want to introduce you to the amazing woman behind this incredible Brain Child.

Here is a small blurb about Lori Tone:

My name is Lori Tone and I am a (10c) card-carrying Pearl Jam addict...and fan since 1991. I am also a professional, published Canadian writer, editor, photographer, and communications professional ... amongst other ambitions. My dedication to seeing this project to print and presented to the band (and fans!) is absolute. I am very lucky to have the support of my family and friends, as well as MANY of you, the Pearl Jam faithfull. I won't change direction and I won't change my mind.

About the book:

  to pearl jam with love is a unique collection of stories, love letters, thank-yous and artistic tributes to a band who has touched countless people around the world for more than two decades.

It is about the sharing of moving and inspirational stories and memories, each unique, but at the same time connected to the band and their music.

to pearl jam with love are the words and images that make these stories come alive. Stories from everyday fans, fellow musicians, collaborators, and those who have experienced first hand the generosity that seems to flow unending from this band.

Along with the captivating words, the book is about artwork, photos and other stunning tributes to the band by both the amateur and professional.

It is our chance, new fan or old, famous or not, to have our Pearl Jam story heard, our thanks given and to make sure the world knows just how amazing this band and these individuals truly are.

So,  if you have had an unforgettable Pearl Jam experience or have always thought, "If I ever met the band I would thank them for..." then you need to contact Lori through the book's website.
(Yes, I made that whole sentence a link....it got your attention, didn't it?)

I am thrilled to be a part of this project and would love to be a fly on the wall as Eddie, Stone, Jeff, Matt and Mike sit down with a case of wine and read through all the stories of lives they have changed. It isn't an unknown fact what talent they have but it has been said by everyone who meets them that they are amazing humans and some of the nicest people you'll ever meet.

Lori's efforts in putting this book together will not go unappreciated by the band. This is our time, as fans, to give back and it's an amazing feeling to know this specific group of men will undoubtedly cherish to pearl jam with love.

I couldn't be more excited!

IN TOO DEEP book trailer

**
We are down to less than two months until the release of IN TOO DEEP! I was expecting to be excited (which I am) but wasn't expecting to have 3 or 4 swarms of butterflies in my stomach every time I think about June 6th getting closer and closer!

I'm not worried people won't like the book. It's such a subjective thing, I know everyone will have their own opinions of it and that's fine. I expect that. As a former art student, I have a thick skin from all the verbal critiques of my work I've had to sit through. So, although I would love if EVERY reader gave it five stars, I'm being realistic. In my honest opinion, the majority of you will love it.

My nerves about its release aren't based on subjective opinions of the book. I think, as a debut author, the butterflies come from putting my heart (literally) on parade for everyone one of you to see inside. Sure, IN TOO DEEP is fiction, but that doesn't mean it didn't come directly from my heart. Ask any author, the characters they create are REAL in their minds. No. No. No. We are not loons. We know they aren't REAL in the physical sense but we know so much about them, they feel real. Writing 96,000 words about Gracie, Noah and Jake opened up a private world for me to watch unfold. Their private world. Something that took on a life of its own. And now I am sharing those private moments with all of you.

Most of you who read non-stop know what it means to have a "Book Hangover." It's when you walk around for a couple days after finishing a book you loved and you try and wean yourself from the connection you have with those characters. You may have only met those characters three days prior when you opened the book but now they are a part of your life. Ask any voracious reader and they will tell you that it happens often.

Well Gracie, Noah and Jake have been part of the creative section of my brain for YEARS. I have spent years with their story rolling around in my head. I have gotten to know them so well I could tell you what color polish Gracie prefers on her toes, what Noah's favorite food is and how many children Jake wants to have one day. And none of those specifics are in the book.

I am SO excited to introduce each character to you on June 6th when my heart goes out to the world! But the butterflies will be there...for a while.

Thank you for your support. For your tweets and RTs. Thank you for posting links to me on your facebook. YOU are helping me grown my fan base each time you do that and it's an awesome feeling for a newbie author to have so much support even BEFORE my book is released.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I am so excited to share the IN TOO DEEP book trailer with you! It gives me butterflies...hope you feel them, too!

xoxo
**NO COPYRIGHTS INFRINGEMENT INTENDED
---this is a fanmade video, no claims have been made
on the images, clips, and songs used, credit goes to
the original owners---**


 

Sneak Peek of IN TOO DEEP!!

**

 

**

 

I have been head first in my content edits for IN TOO DEEP and barely come up to breathe during the day. Seriously, the last of my kids get on the bus at 8:30 and that's typically when I've been plopping down in front of my lap top. The other day I got up two times to pee and that was it until 4:00.

 

 

I have to say, this is an awesome experience! Even better than I imagined over the last seven years of trying to break into this business. I am really hoping the gals at Sapphire Star Publishing will keep me around because I am in Heaven!

 

 

So, my belly is full of breakfast, I have showered (which usually takes a back seat to Gracie and Noah) and I have been listening to music since before I left my bed this morning. So, it's time to get to work. I love my commute. :) But since it has been more than a couple days since I last posted, I thought I would give you a SNEAK PEEK to hold you over while I am busy today fishing more of this story from my brain.

 

 

~*~

Pulled from the middle of...IN TOO DEEP

The water lapped up further onto my legs and the strong undertow pulled me toward the waves. I knew if I gave up now I would be swallowed by a wave that would roll me more violently than the first. I couldn’t let the ocean take me. I dug my fingers into the sand and pulled against the current. I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to make it but I wasn’t going to die without trying my hardest to pull myself away from the depths that had a hold on me before. I reached out for the one thing I knew could save me at that moment…

            “Gracie. Are you okay?  Please, say something!” Jake’s voice was sleepy and panicked. I knew he would see my number on his phone just in case I couldn’t speak. My mouth was trying to hold in the sobs while my brain formed the words.

            “I…I…” I couldn’t. I didn’t even know where to start. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to admit to being so stupid and thinking that ringing in this special birthday with Noah would be anything but painful.

            “You’re scaring me. Please just say something. Tell me what’s wrong.”

            I spent the next hour vomiting all of the night’s hell to Jake. Most of the time he was the quiet listener, but I could hear the vile anger in his voice when he did speak. Jake’s anger didn’t scare me like Noah’s did. I wasn’t afraid of losing Jake, I knew I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do that would cause him to walk away. Having someone like that in my life was the only thing holding me together.

            “I am so sorry, baby girl. I wish I was there to hold you so you could get some sleep.”

            “Me, too.” That’s when I realized this was what he meant when he said he would take me however he could have me. He told me he was in love with me, and now I was once again detailing the further breaking of my heart by his former roommate. He was putting his own heart second because I was sure it was killing him to hear all the details of my night if he truly did love me. He was putting me first. He would be my friend first, even if I couldn’t love him back. I had no words for the kind of selflessness I didn’t know existed before Jake.

            When I realized how my pain over Noah must be hurting him, I decided to stop. I needed to turn it off and make sure he was okay before we hung up. I shouldn’t have called him. Now my heart was breaking for the two most important guys in my life. One because he hurt me and one because I may be hurting him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Sleep. I just needed to sleep.

            “Are you sure you’re okay? I can stay on the phone with you as long as you need me to.”

            “No, Jake. You’ve already done so much. I can’t thank you enough for what you do for my heart.”

            “I love you. You’re my best friend. I am always here for you. You know that.”

            “I know. Thank you.”

            “No thanks necessary. That’s what friends do.” He was assuring me that his ‘I love you’ was intended to be friendly and not guilt inducing. How could I tell him how much I loved him without having to qualify it as ‘just as friends?’

            “I love our friendship, Jake, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

            “Well, the feeling is mutual.”

            I wasn’t sure how I landed such a beautiful friend. But his unconditional friendship was stunning. I wasn’t sure if I could ever reciprocate what he gave me but I would die trying if he ever needed me the way I needed him. But he’d never be as stupid as I had been.

            “Go to sleep, sweet girl. You need to get some rest.”

            “Goodnight, Jake.”

            “Goodnight.”

~*~

SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!! I can't wait for you to know what comes before AND after this scene!

 

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus... WAIT!

**

As you all know - I am a FREAK when it comes music but even more of a FREAK when it comes to lead singers. It's no secret.

There's no need to warn my husband, he knows. He expects me to zone out once we get to concerts and live shows...he also knows he's my FAVORITE guy on the planet so there's no jealousy involved.

Weeeelllll, there is this one band...he gets a little angsty about. But that's because I smooched the lead singer in a private backstage moment at the end of one of their shows (I was in college). Yeah, he gets a little hung up on that one. So, I won't mention WHAT band that was...could start a riot.

ANYWAY, I digress...

Because I am always listening to music and finding new bands, I can't figure out how I have missed RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS for all this time? They are totally my kind of band!

One of my awesome Twitter friends who happens to also be an amazing book blogger shared a song with me that she thought could be the TITLE SONG on a SOUNDTRACK should IN TOO DEEP ever be made into a movie. (breathe, breathe)

I wanted to share that song with you because she couldn't have hit closer to the bullseye on this one.
@BooksOverBoys introduced me to RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS and their song FACEDOWN. I am floored. I can picture Jake standing toe-to-toe with Noah, saying,

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

 

 

I can also picture Jake holding Gracie by the shoulders as she cries, saying,

 

 

Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.

 

WOW! Just WOW!



So, on that note (ha ha, you like that pun? *insert dorky grin here*) I wanted to share these guys and their amazing song with you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so thrilled to introduce you to RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS singing FACEDOWN! (You probably already know them, but don't tell me...let me keep thinking I introduced them to you :D)

Enjoy!
(and if you have any songs you think would be perfect if IN TOO DEEP would ever be on the big screen, let me know and I will feature your choice, too)